Derogatory haikus for everyday situations

Here are some derogatory haikus for everyday situations, submitted by readers.
I am a disturbed individual, I know.

For Carl:

You want it when? Fuck!
It’s not like we planned ahead
Next, you’ll want my spleen

Hey, it’s not our fault
Swear donkeys and elephants
Ooohhh, look – it’s Britney

Big truck grease my hip
Chissakes, I’m on a bicycle!
Ice picks do great harm

I must say, I had a lot of fun with R&R’s situations (and yes, I couldn’t pass up the wedding of the year):

Knock, knock, who is there?
It’s the asshole from downstairs
Shove a sock in it

Troll from down below
Sissy pansy man with sounds
Consummation’s coming!

(This one’s for the future Mr. & Mrs.):

Headboard bangs and bangs
Brit complains about the noise
Really, it’s the dog

Welcome to Shell Oil
Badges, we need no badges!
Just wear the damn thing

Write my name, what for?
To conduct your business, ass
Now be off with you

“FUCK!” from down the hall
Wait for the silly guffaw
Asshole does no work

Trucks down the hallway
Cops a smoke, but never eats
Jerk’s an autobot!

Paper Mache head
Nothing says pure and true love
Like Darth Vader’s skull

Ninja love is slick
Marriage should be forever
Odds are not so good

In karate duds
Bride and groom profess their love
We give it six months

She presents a staff
Groom wears a sword for fucksakes!
High karate love

And a bonus one, for First Sister, who called this in:

One controlling bitch
Soccer queen makes me crazy
Kick her ball-like ass

If pornographic haikus are your thing - and I admit, it's an acquired taste - you might want to check out Banana Smoothie.


RachelRenae said...

OMG!! I shouldn't have read these at work. I make very unnatural sounds when I'm trying hard not to laugh (drawing more attention to myself, and defeating the purpose). HYSTERICAL, Thomg!!! :::applaudes:::

Anonymous said...

Brilliant and very funny, Thom! Nicely done. Reading Rachel's stories behind the haikus is a must. Thanks for the laughs!

svojoh said...

Are you sure your the nice little Catholic boy you say you are?

ThomG said...

Absolutely. Good Catholic boys are the only ones who could make shit up like this.