Polyester

Trying to find decent polyester in this city is maddening.
The Cascade Theatre is hosting and Oscar party on Sunday. Hors d'oeuvres, Champagne, full bar – and everyone will watch the Academy Awards on the big screen.
What’s more, the gal in charge rented a limo and a camera crew. People will meet in the alley, jump in the limo for a ride around the block – where you’re deposited onto the red carpet. The TV crew will show live shots from the Cascade on the big screen, spliced into the real stars arriving in L.A.
One thing led to another, mass emails were sent, and it was decided that ThomG needed an entourage.
A posse.
Who was I to say no?
“So, ThomG, does it have to be all women, or would you be open to transvestites?” a colleague asked in the newsroom.
“I am all for trans-gender rights, and wouldn’t be opposed at all,” I said from across the newsroom.
One of the interns was noticeably uncomfortable.
“I think we damaged her world,” the immediate email said.
“Yeah, well, this is a newsroom, she’s going to need to harden the fuck up,” I responded. “I still remember the days when reporters could smoke and drink at their desks – which led to a lot of telephone throwing.”
I digress.
Women started emailing me, wanting in on my posse. One guy said I was an animal – and wanted in on my action.
We decided to go glam for the red carpet.
So my mission on Saturday was to find the finest-quality polyester I could afford (I took a $20 along).
I am not of a normal size. I am a Big Guy (not Big & Tall or Short & Fat, but broad-shouldered, muscular thighs). Apparently, men who donated their polyester to various thrift stores are more “average.”
First store we hit, I found a black velvet Oscar de Laurenta suit jacket – that was waaaay to small (it broke my heart).
I finally hit paydirt at the final store we went to – Second Time Around. First, I found a pair of black, square-toed tuxedo shoes in my size. A really interestingly-textured blue suit jacket (that is a bit snug). White scarf. Cream polyester wide-collared shirt. Maroon velvet pimp-daddy hat. Maroon silk pocket square. White leather belt with silver accents.
Lime-green polyester pants.
“Oh, these are hideous,” I said of the pants.
“Three bucks? Get them and wear them for St. Patrick’s Day, if nothing else,” my friend said. “Are they your size?”
They are (and it was half-price day on white-tagged items).
They are tight in all the right places (thighs mostly) and flair almost into bell-bottoms.
A buddy called while I was trying the pants on.
“You going to sock up like Mick Jagger?”
That’s a question that I will leave to your imaginations (sickos).
Total outfit cost – $18.26.
On Monday, there will be pictures here at Surface Tension from the red carpet.
Me and my posse.
In glorious polyester.

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