Closing out another year at The Tension

According to the ol' dashboard, this is my 1,269th post on Surface Tension.
A space that began as a result to deal with feelings and emotions after my mother passed that has morphed into a place where I scribble short fiction and try to find a voice. It's been an interesting transformation.
I buried my father this year, so life continues to evolve.
I thought I was ready for it. We had time to say goodbye. I was with him when he took his last breath, as I was when my mother took hers.
I struggle.
There's a lack of connection.
I no longer have the two people who could tell me honestly that I was either fucking up, or following my dream.
It's a bit unsettling.
Going on alone.
Yes, there are friends, family. But they don't listen like your parents. They've got lives, problems of their own.
So I sit at the end of another year with my whole life ahead of me - and no damn clue on how to proceed.
Here's the rub: I start 2010 knowing I can go anywhere in the world and do anything I want. Time, age, finances and obligations have created a freedom that is never far from my consciousness.
People continue to give warning about making quick decisions. Fair, I think. But that's the thing. I know I've got the time to assess situations, taste, touch, feel different scenarios and make decisions that satisfy the gut, the heart and the mind.
I doubt 2010 will be "my year." Each year has been my year. Through pain and pleasure, each experience has brought me to the person I am here and now. Not perfect, but certainly not damaged. Always a work in progress.
"Time isn't holding us, time doesn't hold you back." The Talking Heads sang that, and it is certainly true.
Time is now. The past is memories. The future is unwritten.

6 comments:

pia said...

i so understand the lack of connection. Parents no matter how old and feeble are our bridge--and truth sayers whether we like it or not

Have a wonderful New Year--and you're right there is no one year that is "our" year but there are some that stand out for great or horrible or sometimes both

Catherine Denton said...

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mom and now your Dad. I'm sure that changes your perspective drastically.

"Each year has been my year" is such a great line. Keep writing your stories, they're inspiring.

Hal Johnson said...

Even when the worst of the emotional turmoil subsides, it's just strange not to have the parents there, isn't it?

Thanks for continuing to write through what must have been a wrenching year. Happy New Year to ya.

lissa said...

yes, the future is unwritten, we write them as we go along

I enjoy reading your short takes and sometimes outrageous storylines

I hope much happiness for you in 2010

Madeline D. Murray said...

I'm sorry for your loss, Thom. I just found your blog yesterday. I read one story and it made me laugh. Whatever your choices in the future, I hope posting stories is one of them. Peace and light to you in the new year

Dee Martin said...

That's a pile of posts, Thom. Happy New Year and hope whatever choices you make in the next year, they bring you satsifaction.