Sunday Scribblings: Ask

  “Am I good enough?”
  “Did I make the right decision?”
  The concerns are twofold. There’s the professional aspect of my life, and there’s the personal.
  What I do now is completely different from what I did for 10 years. I back to “hard” news. Working the phones, working sources, writing tight for the front page in a deadline atmosphere where you’re on the phone with a spokesman in Canada and you tell him you’ve got 20 minutes before you have to file. And you’ll have to go with the like, “”such-and-so declined to comment.”
  Here, a story would never run with the line, “such-and-so did not return a telephone call.” Nor will a story run – even a small inside the A section story – without at least two sources.
  It’s professional journalism, the a big J.
  But, I am given the freedom to write the way I’ve always written – loose, colorful. I am allowed to be me in the features I craft, as well as the hard news pieces that call for clear, concise explanation.
  So why am I somewhat unhappy?
  (I take that back. I’m happy with my professional life and the opportunities it represents; in the quiet, the storm clouds of doubt build over why I’m sitting home alone reading a book as friends and readers from my previous life call, text and email how much they miss me. That weighs on me something fierce.)
  I opened a piece of short fiction once with “There is lonely and there is alone; one’s a choice, the other a condition.”
  There always will be doubt about the first question. It’s endemic to how I’m built.
  As for the second, I ask myself what I need to change to take control of the doubts in the quiet.
  “I totally admire you... it takes huge guts (or something!) to go from knowing everyone in town to knowing virtually no one,” a friend emailed recently.
  This leap of faith – something I know in my heart was the absolute right decision for my life – will take time to sort out. And in my heart lies the positive outcome of my actions.
  (I no longer get up and dry heave for 20 minutes; that says something right there.)
  The trick is to not listen to the demons of doubt; it’s time to step out from under the storm clouds for good.

3 comments:

Uncle E said...

You must consistantly pick the weeds from your garden or they'll overtake it in no time flat.
You made the right decision, for you're health. Look forward Thom. Shit, I moved countries, away from all my friends and my family, with nothing but a suitcase full of clothes, a dufflebag full of cd's and $2K in US funds.
It was very hard at the beginning, but I eventually met my wife, had two wonderful kids and kicked the carreer up many many notches; in other words, I matured and grew. You will too.

Keep the faith!

Quin Browne said...

i did that kind of move twice...

amazing what it can do to you in so many ways.. good and bad.

go with the good, learn from the bad, it's this amazing wonderful thing..life.

susan said...

Thom,

I admire what you do. I love your writing here and professionally, I'm sure you're equally kick ass which is in part how you were able to make to the change. Change is scary still you leaped. That's something to be proud of. You'll work it out the kinks.