Hamster wheels and enemies of the state (of mind)

Was over on Facebook (come be my friend!) and changed the “What are you doing feature” to “ThomG is pondering why he is his own worst enemy.”

The Queen said it first. And she went on to tell me the little hamsters in my head keep churning around on their wheels. And that I shouldn’t listen to the creaky rotations. Nice try, but it gets late, you’re on the verge of sleep and you start thinking of what you’ve just done over the last 60 days.
And the wheels spin.

Truth is, I am homesick for certain aspects of my former life. And I am conflicted, since I very much appreciate the opportunities that await me on the Great Plains.
Creak. Creak. Creak.

Patience has never been a virtue. But as I’ve aged, I’ve been able to incorporate it into my life.
Thing is, I was safe and secure and staid for 11 years. Until one day while you keep listen to the voice that says “keep your arms and head in the ride at all times and don’t make any sudden movements for your personal safety and security” and you do something like move 1,700 miles to a place where you personally know all of two people.
And start completely over.
I like the blank canvas. I like that I’ve started to add color from a plentiful palette.
But the night comes, that time before sleep when my mind tends to race over events of the day, events of my life, and I worry that change isn’t happening fast enough.
When it certainly is. Sixty days. I quit one job, sold my shit, hit the road, started a new job in a new city and jumped right in.
The slack I keep cutting myself is lacking.

(I hope this wasn’t tedious for any specific reader of The Tension.)

12 comments:

The Queen said...

OK, lemme ask you this, T-Daddy: Do you still dry heave in the mornings before you go to work?

Alrighty, then.

Love you, miss you, don't want you dry heaving.

ThomG said...

Fair enough. No, I don't dry heave at all, whatsoever.

Lou said...

On the other hand, I almost dry-heaved after reading about Scully's gastronomical misadventures....

ThomG said...

Early indications are that the $16 bag of dog food (small bag) is going to work. No byproducts. Just lamb, broown rice and veggies. And tehy like it (of course they like it; a big bag is like $50).

katy C said...

Hang in there Thom. It takes a bit for the prisoner to adapt to lack of bars and chains. Not dry heaving before going into work is a wonderful thing - I remember those days only too well.

peachesandplums said...

nice ender. mary anne told me to tell you 'hi'

Beth said...

Ah, yes, patience. Be gentle with yourself. Good wine takes time, as does good bread. (Chocolate, on the other hand, can be whipped up in a flash, and is very comforting. Feeds those hampsters, it does, and they often stop spinning.)

Good things will happen. One day at a time.

JFarm said...

Amen brother, I know the feeling.

jimdyar said...

A transition like that is so drastic. You have to figure some of this was coming. I think these things just take time.

We miss ya out here.

RachelRenae said...

You told me a few weeks ago, "I'm right where I need to be, like you are. I'm happy." Don't second guess yourself- you know you're where you need to be. You know you made a solid decision. Remember that and tell those hampsters to chill out.

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