Emotional rescue

I’m having a hard time seeing the forest through the trees.
Or is that the trees through the forest?
Another session with my therapist on Monday left me emotionally beat-down, physically tired. Feeling pretty good, too.
But it seems like the only time I can feel my emotions – instead of just swallowing them whole – is in Chet’s office.
It happened again on Monday. Sweet release. Tears. Feelings of anger, rage, sadness, grief, remorse, joy. Yo-yo emotions. The roller-coaster of me.
I am angry. I am rage. I am sorrow.
I am joyous.
Sucks to be me.
Because my big, fat brain mucks everything up. I am a problem to solve (when there is no problem; there is no solution). I know this. I still push the emotions down, push them aside, and go on thinking it is the right thing to do.
I catch myself sighing at times. This is good. This means something is going on. I’m just having a hard time putting a finger on the emotion causing the sigh.
What I would like is a workbook, “Emotions for Dummies,” where I could do independent study. I read up on the James-Lange Theory of Emotion, The Cannon-Bard Theory of Emotion. Trying to glean meaning of me from scholars.
I try to pry open my brain for answers, without having to feel the emotions.
I seek knowledge to fix what ails my heart, my id, my ego (studying philosophy now).
Fat fucking chance of that.
I have to challenge my mind to let my emotions go.
It works sometimes (and this is why I end up on occasion in tears in my work bathroom – nothing to see here, move along, move along).
Mostly, it doesn’t work. And I meander through my days in complete confusion.
Trust me when I say over the last few years that I have come to know who I am. I know my faults, my foibles. I know that I have tried to be perfect – and I am flawed. I have accepted that, and am a better person for it.
But I rarely get to the place where I see the good of me. The guy that deserves true, reciprocal love. The guy who doesn’t have to be everything for everybody. The guy who can lean on people – because those people actually care and love me.
That happened on Monday, too. I shed tears of joy, because I am a good guy, one of the really good ones.
It lasted all of about five minutes. Because of where I am at in time. And I walk into the revolving door again, and don’t step out. I keep myself in gut-wrenching rotation.
At least it happened. The tears of joy.
And you have to build on that.

1 comments:

RachelRenae said...

Emotional catharsis SUCKS, but it's moments like you described that make it all worth while. Here's to a lot more of them!