The state of my emotions
Somewhere between a Vulcan and a Neanderthal lies that perfect balance of good and healthy emotion.
With the Vulcan being cold and unemotional, suppressing every single emotion and supplanting it with cool logic.
And the Neanderthal full of anger and rage, raw emotions for a time when the world was raw.
I have been on a guided journey to feel my emotions, to be a good and healthy emotional being.
Problem is, I have always been someone who pushes my emotion aside, pushes it down and was under the impression that I was the master of it.
I am no master. I am under the influence. Weak.
And that has caused my heart, my mind and the loved ones who surround me to suffer. Too much. Way too damn much.
I may never get parts of my life back, and that’s a problem I’m going to have to deal with. Which I will, given the tools being presented to me on my guided trip through my emotions.
I am confident in that.
But here’s the problem: I think too damn much. I approach life as a problem to solve. My mind takes over and instead of feeling the emotion at the time, I suppress it in a manner that has built pools of raw emotion inside me.
Thus radiating a brilliant, white-heat of anxiety that that manifests itself by lack of appetite, stomach cramps, dry heaves, periods of restlessness, periods of no sleep at all and all manners of jitters, lack of focus and general depression.
I’ve done it so long that I no longer remember how to feel the emotions that well inside me.
I just know that they leak from me in fits and bursts.
And that is not a good situation for anyone within my radius. No good for me, either.
It has frustrated me to no end.
But yesterday, there was a breakdown.
Breakthrough.
I went from anger to sadness to grief to guilt to sorrow to more anger, more grief, more sadness…
And burst into tears and uncontrolled sobs for minutes, feeling each and every emotion physically.
And just as fast as the tears came, they stopped. And I laughed, then teared up again.
Tears of joy.
I was so calm. So tired. So drained.
It was the most horrific – and beautiful and cathartic – thing I have ever done for myself.
And I felt sure I could recreate feeling – instead of suppressing – each emotion.
Maybe not all at once.
But each as they come up, each by its own exceptional flavor.
Anger is by far the most seductive – thus the most repulsive (to me) – emotion. I always thought that I was just an angry guy, but that’s not the case. I just pushed enough down to fill a well of darkness.
Anger, if felt, can be a source of energy, a great tool for survival – and a powerful emotion to bury.
And when it comes, I will feel it.
Just like all the others, when they come up.
Like I said, it’s been a guided journey and a breakthrough happened. Doesn’t mean I’m cured. Not by a long shot.
As it turns out, the anxiety is back today. There is sadness and grief I need to feel, but not yet. Not now. So I puke, I feel knots in my stomach, I have less than optimal energy at work – and face the prospect of watching the darkness of depression creep in like the clouds and rainy weather outside.
But I now know I have the tools to face it.
I have just to face it.
Soon enough.
With the Vulcan being cold and unemotional, suppressing every single emotion and supplanting it with cool logic.
And the Neanderthal full of anger and rage, raw emotions for a time when the world was raw.
I have been on a guided journey to feel my emotions, to be a good and healthy emotional being.
Problem is, I have always been someone who pushes my emotion aside, pushes it down and was under the impression that I was the master of it.
I am no master. I am under the influence. Weak.
And that has caused my heart, my mind and the loved ones who surround me to suffer. Too much. Way too damn much.
I may never get parts of my life back, and that’s a problem I’m going to have to deal with. Which I will, given the tools being presented to me on my guided trip through my emotions.
I am confident in that.
But here’s the problem: I think too damn much. I approach life as a problem to solve. My mind takes over and instead of feeling the emotion at the time, I suppress it in a manner that has built pools of raw emotion inside me.
Thus radiating a brilliant, white-heat of anxiety that that manifests itself by lack of appetite, stomach cramps, dry heaves, periods of restlessness, periods of no sleep at all and all manners of jitters, lack of focus and general depression.
I’ve done it so long that I no longer remember how to feel the emotions that well inside me.
I just know that they leak from me in fits and bursts.
And that is not a good situation for anyone within my radius. No good for me, either.
It has frustrated me to no end.
But yesterday, there was a breakdown.
Breakthrough.
I went from anger to sadness to grief to guilt to sorrow to more anger, more grief, more sadness…
And burst into tears and uncontrolled sobs for minutes, feeling each and every emotion physically.
And just as fast as the tears came, they stopped. And I laughed, then teared up again.
Tears of joy.
I was so calm. So tired. So drained.
It was the most horrific – and beautiful and cathartic – thing I have ever done for myself.
And I felt sure I could recreate feeling – instead of suppressing – each emotion.
Maybe not all at once.
But each as they come up, each by its own exceptional flavor.
Anger is by far the most seductive – thus the most repulsive (to me) – emotion. I always thought that I was just an angry guy, but that’s not the case. I just pushed enough down to fill a well of darkness.
Anger, if felt, can be a source of energy, a great tool for survival – and a powerful emotion to bury.
And when it comes, I will feel it.
Just like all the others, when they come up.
Like I said, it’s been a guided journey and a breakthrough happened. Doesn’t mean I’m cured. Not by a long shot.
As it turns out, the anxiety is back today. There is sadness and grief I need to feel, but not yet. Not now. So I puke, I feel knots in my stomach, I have less than optimal energy at work – and face the prospect of watching the darkness of depression creep in like the clouds and rainy weather outside.
But I now know I have the tools to face it.
I have just to face it.
Soon enough.
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