Let the Healing Begin...

There’s no problem to solve, nothing tangible to fix.
These are emotions; wild, swinging, shifting sensations
I learned this after the death of my mother. And thought I had a pretty good handle on things.
Then your center drops away.
Again.
There’s half of me that says suck it up, move forward.
The other half wouldn’t mind staying in bed with the covers drawn over my head.
I realize that I will never just “get past” the death of my father. There are these moments when I realize that I am alone in the world, that I never can get the kind of honest advice a parent affords.
And it seizes up your heart, your mind and it’s back to square one.
I am grateful for everyone who has reached out and offered an ear. And I’ve put in the preliminary calls to talk to someone in a professional setting.
(Let the healing begin!)
Still, going forward isn’t going to be easy. I’m confused and I am alone, even in a crowded space, surrounded by friends.
Because I still fell like I can fix this.
But until I strip away my guy-mindedness and allow these emotions to wash across my soul, I will remain a confused, hurt little boy.
Not the confident, happy man I could be.

4 comments:

Donna said...

Thom, I see one thing (and only one thing) that might be counterproductive to your healing.

You're being too impatient ... with yourself and your pain. I think you might be getting hung up on thinking that "once "this" happens/once I do "this" (whatever "this" is) then the pain will be diminished and I'll be moving forward with a much clearer head."

I suspect because you're still hurting and very confused you think you're doing something wrong. You're not!

Take a look at what you said here - "Because I still fell like I can fix this.
But until I strip away my guy-mindedness and allow these emotions to wash across my soul, I will remain a confused, hurt little boy."

You're saying going forward won't be easy because you're having trouble accepting that you can't fix this. And then in the next sentence you tell us what you need to do to fix this.

Thom, the emotions are washing across your soul. I swear they are. But there are a lot of them and they are confusing. It requires a lot of sorting ... which takes time.

I think instead of focusing on specifics of what it will take to heal, start with the thought that it will take 6 months or a year. My point is not the specific time frame, my point is for you to understand that it will take time - which (I hope) in turn will end your impatience. I think the impatience is preventing you from looking at the big picture, which will keep you caught in the little picture, so to speak.

I'm so bad at trying to explain this in writing, but I hope I said that well enough.

b said...

Yes, she is absolutely right. This is a time in your life when you go forward, one step at a time. But keep going and let the wound heal...and it will I promise you. Children have been doing this since the beginning of time.

This I can offer you as advice.

Talk about your father...a lot. Begin to bring memories to your heart that fill you.

Accept the sadness as a tribute to the love that you felt for him. He would not have wanted for you to not miss him. But, on the other hand, I can tell you personally that hurting my children by leaving them bereft just breaks my heart. So in his stead I would ask you to begin thinking of a tribute....write,write,write!

Go to that therapist and grow more knowledgeable about the stages of grief. This is a process...not a quick fix.

Most of all, know that you will be fine. I say this to my children and grandchildren every day. You will be just fine. They always laugh but they also know that it is very true!

I send my love and condolences. If I could shed your tears I would...truly.

b

gautami tripathy said...

Thom,I lost my father in May 2001. Seven years, seven long years. He is always there in the back of my mind. The loss. The pain. Yet the good memories too. Those outweigh.

Healing does not begin anytime soon. It takes time. After the shock of loss recedes the pain comes back with a vengeance. That is the grieving phase. Let it be. Don't push it away. I was kind non-functional for three months. Yes I went on with my daily routine but my heart and mind were not in it. We refused to talk about him. One day, my younger brother sat down with me and both of started talking about him.His quirks, his idiosyncracies and those times we had with him. His caring for us. His imbibing good values in us. The way he made sure we all got good education. And he was there for us always. That helped, talking about him, sharing it with a sibling. Sonafter, I called up my eldest brother and we had a heart to heart over the phone and only then we could let go of the pain.

I know, it is not easy. It can't be. Yet I also tell you, let it be. Talk about him. Write about him. And you will heal.

And I wrote a poem for my dad today. If you wish, come read that. I posted it for you too. The situations might be different but feelings, emotions remain unversal.

Dee Martin said...

Sheesh Thom, I got no advice. Everyone does this their own way, in their own time. Truth is, we are all still little kids and when we realize there is no one there we can run to that will love us unconditionally we have a major life adjustment to make.

For me it was my faith and it was rocked in some deep ways. I finally (over a period of YEARS) came to the conclusion that I was not going to get any easy answers and that I was just going to have to trust that I would understand on the other side.

That was my answer. But it was the answer to my question. We all have our own. Hugs and prayers thrown at you from across the country and across the internet.