Blather

The waiting was the worst. Sitting alone the sidelines of life, waiting to get in, play a little. He questioned whether it was fear or apathy that kept him there. Not fear of the unknown, but a dread of making the wrong move, at the wrong time. Thus the apathy, as it was better to just sit pat, stick to a routine, stay out-of-focus, vanilla. He’d tried, in fits and starts, to break free, get in there. But always the gnaw in his heart was the pull of the darkness, that rich, earthy smell of decay that would grab hold. Just another eggshell for the compost pile. Even when the snap of tragedy changes things, changes his very being, the light fails to come on, like a guy who has a heart attack and after rehab buys a pack of smokes. He knows what needs to be done. He knows he has to break free. He knows the future belongs within his purview. With new interests, a fearless step.

3 comments:

Dee Martin said...

After we have surgery or are ill for a long period of time, we KNOW our bodies need to heal and we allow ourselves (and everyone else allows us) a kind of watershed period where not so much is expected of us. It's easy because there are outward signs. When the wound is not physical, we have no outward signs like a scar forming, to tell us or others what is going on or how far we are in the process. You will get tired of hearing it I'm sure, but give it time. (But keep writing about it - that gives an outward sign and lets the people who love you have something to respond to - they want to, they just don't know how.)

Ignor the dumb crap that gets said and keep what makes sense, including from me :) You don't know me at all, but this touches me, I've walked this road, or plodded, trudged, stumbled, sometimes ran...

lissa said...

somehow I think we all manage to carry on and take the steps need to belong again, to live again

what a profound piece of writing, it's not blather at all, it's earnest and deeply felt

Rachael Cassidy said...

i feel myself in this one. wanting change, needing change, CRAVING it. knowing what needs to be done, yet not doing it. letting life get in the way. making excuses. and then, settling back in to the "comfortable" rut that i am so tired of. what will it take to jumpstart the change i so badly desire?
i feel myself in this one. it's a bit toxic.