Thursday's Three Word Wednesday

The words over at Three Word Wednesday are gentle, praise and vulgar.

Ninja

I wake to the sound of muffled grunts, heavy breathing.
I go to the window and in the muted mustard light of a summer moon, I see a figure dressed in black, expertly swinging a pair of nunchucks.
Judging by the beer gut, it’s my father.
I slip into a pair of tennis shoes, descend the stairs and step out onto the porch.
“Dad, what the hell are you doing out here?”
He’s a flurry of movements and motions, the black sticks swing dangerously and in every direction. And just as quick, he folds them gently to his armpit and moves silently into the shadows.
“Well, you’re old enough to know, I guess,” his voice spilling from the darkness as a hiss. “We’re Shinobi. Ninja.”
“Yeah, right,” I say. “You’re an assistant manager at Sears.”
A black metal dart hits the post, in the space between where my thumb and forefinger grip the wood.
“This discipline has no room for insolence,” he says. “Consider that a warning.”
“What does mom think of all this sneaking around shit?”
A second dart parts my hair as it continues its trajectory into the wooden post.
“She views the family business as vulgar,” he says. “Yet she’s a master with a katana, what you kids would call a Samurai sword.”
“My mother?”
From behind, a faint breeze raises the hairs on my neck. Then, cold steel is pressed there, chilling the blood in my jugular.
“That’s high praise, coming from my master,” mother says in an echo as she withdraws the blade. “And as for you, Mr. Sassy Pants, march yourself back to bed this instant. We’ll discuss finding you a proper Sensei in the morning.”
And smacks me in the ass with the blade’s scabbard.

28 comments:

Dee Martin said...

Haha - Thom you really need to think about a book of parent stories. I would buy it. I love everything you write but these crazy family stories are my favorites! Made me grin :)

shail said...

Wow that must have been some discovery on a summer night! :) Well narrated.

anthonynorth said...

I love these experts in marital arts :-)
Nice one.

Ann (bunnygirl) said...

I love the descriptions in this, especially "muted mustard light of a summer moon." More than that, though, I just think it would be cool to have ninja parents.

Monica Manning said...

A ninja with a beer gut. Awesome. As usual, brilliant work.

Julie Jordan Scott said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Julie Jordan Scott said...

This made me laugh out loud, which I really needed today, by the way.

THANK YOU!

My 3ww offering for the week.

Timothy P. Remp said...

The Beer gut got me ...LOL.

Well done Thom.

-Tim

Jay Thurston said...

I suppose there are far worse things you could discover your parents were hiding from you in your youth.

Not quite the typical ninja physique, which is nice to see the stereotype broken. Dad won't be scaling too many walls with that gut.

This looks like it was fun to write, because it certainly was fun to read!

Divaa Divine said...

Holy WOW o_O

http://bit.ly/9JWQ0M

Thomma Lyn said...

EEEEE! (squeal of delight) I love this. It made me laugh out loud. As always, top-notch writing, vivid description. And what a wonderfully fun story. :)

Gracie said...

Hehe, too funny. Loved every bit of it. Great story.

Sulci Collective said...

More shocking than waking up to discover your parents having sex I would imagine. Nice riff.

marc nash

John Wiswell said...

This reminds me of that wacky song, "Ninja of the Night." Ninjas with hijinks are so much better than without.

Bernard S. Jansen said...

I think this is great. It's funny and flows really well.

Amity said...

Hi Thom...

Nice to read some kind of humor like this...and martial arts? I wish to learn it for self-defense...lols...

Jen Brubacher said...

I laughed out loud at "assistant manager at Sears." This is one of the most creative coming of age tales I've read.

pegjet said...

Beer gut and works at Sears. I'm glad mom is looking outside the family for a proper sensei.

Irreverant, humorous and just a fun read.

quin browne said...

*snort*

I love the image of a Sears manager (gee, do we know one?) being all Ninja and stuff.

Miss Alister said...

Yeah, I love it when the stereotypical American parents are actually super-hero status at something. A riotous paradigm shift written with your usual expertise :-D

Walt said...

You had me at "I see a figure dressed in black, expertly swinging a pair of nunchucks. Judging by the beer gut, it’s my father." That line was fantastic and had me completely drawn into the story.

Well done

AidanF said...

Nice to see where the three words took you.

brainhaze said...

Reminds me of Pixars Incredibles - very amusing and great descriptions. Nice work

antisocialbutterflie said...

Very entertaining. It made my day.

Jeeves said...

LOL :D Like this

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

Thom, you managed to get me to snort water out my nose not once, but twice in this piece.

You may have written a new favorite of mine.

Eric J. Krause said...

Good one! The thought of a ninja with a beer gut had me giggling. Pretty good with the weapons, though, it looks like. I wonder what kind of wacky adventures that family gets into...

mazzz in Leeds said...

haha! Love it.
How cool would it be to have ninja parents?!
Hmm, actually, probably not that cool - you'd never be able to sneak past them to go underage nightclubbing, I expect...