Lost in America


I went to bed somewhat hopeful, having had a conversation with a friend and co-worker who was distraught and agitated. 
It was late, but I invited him over for a beer. We talked a bit. I listened. 
And told him I was committed. I was here for him – for everyone – until September. 
The decision has been made – I felt good about it – and I repeated it: I’d give Wyoming a year. That’s fair. Anyone can do anything for a year.
A night of tossing and turning, bad dreams, fears revisited and I woke up lost. And alone. 
There are no crossroads, it seems. As I write this (and that is a big disclaimer), I feel no forward momentum. 
Just lost. 
Confused. 
It’s not supposed to be like this. This isn’t the life I envisioned for myself. 
And before I spiral into more darkness and self-doubt and loathing, I needed to say this. All of this. Get it out. 
Feels whiny. 
And looking around, yeah, I have it pretty good. Better than most. 
The view from the darkness is painful.

4 comments:

pia said...

Beautiful and easy to relate to post. Have no wise words!

VL Sheridan said...

Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. See the ball Danny. Feel the ball Danny. Be the ball Danny.

Dee Martin said...

Yikes. I got nuthin Thom. Not enough info and I don't know you enough to advise but a little whining and wallowing never killed anyone. Haven't been around much, health issues and real life..but Hey, hope you have gotten some clarity or perspective or whatever it is you were needing when you wrote this.

pprmkr1 said...

Hang in there Tom.
The best I got is to always follow your heart. I believe it will probably lead you to where you should go - be it temporary or permanent.
Visit Yellowstone for me again while your there, eh?
May wisdom and good fortune be with you, my friend.