Deviant
“Is it wrong if I pray for someone to get a DUI and then have to live with all the fallout?”
(Another uncomfortable silence.)
(Now she’s tapping that goddamn pen.)
(And adjusting her glasses. Again. Fuuuuuck.)
“I’m not clergy.”
“I didn’t ask if you were clergy.”
(She’s pulling those ugly horned-rimmed glasses down her nose to give me ‘the look.’ Again.)
“OK, OK, OK, let’s phrase this differently. Would I be considered a horrible person if I wished someone - a very specific someone - got pulled over for a DUI and then would be somewhat gleeful to watch as the consequences of driving while intoxicated unfolded around them?”
“You are a horrible person. So, no wish away.”
(Yes, I actually pay for these sessions. Therapy, am I right?)
I am a professional deviant; some nowadays would call me a “disrupter.” I fuck with people. For money.
Except, now, I hardly “get out more.” I mean, let’s face it, today’s world is different. A lot different. There weren't cameras everywhere, in everything. Nobody had a personal computer in their pocket always at the ready to record - well, everything, anything.
Hence the therapy. I haven’t “worked” in that field. In months. So. Much. Conflict.
There used to be a code, you know. Here’s the list (it’s mine, of course.)
When it comes to taking your revenge, wait for quite a while after the incident took place that you are getting revenge for. When I say wait, I don’t mean a week or two either. I have waited for two, three, or even up to five years to take revenge so I would not be the number one suspect when the revenge took place.
Tell absolutely no one that you are going to take revenge. I don’t care how well you trust your brother, sister, best friend, fiancee, or even spouse. You tell no one at all.
At least 24 hours before you are about to take your revenge, allow the battery in your cell phone to go dead, and do not charge your cell phone until two to three days after you take your revenge, and only then do you turn your cell phone back on. This is a safety measure just in case you are the suspect for the revenge you have just taken and the police subpoena your phone records. If you were to turn your phone off just before your revenge and turn it back on shortly after your revenge, that would appear to be a bit suspicious. I often see where a person will get caught for committing a crime because that person was stupid enough to take their cell phone along with them and their phone records put them exactly at the scene of the crime when the crime took place.
If there are going to be any type of tools you need to take your revenge, purchase them long in advance, be sure to pay cash for them, and do not purchase them in the same jurisdiction you are going to take your revenge in. Do not take any of these items out of the package in advance so your fingerprints are on none of them and be sure to wear gloves when you do handle them and be sure to leave nothing behind after you take your revenge.
Do a full inspection of your car and make sure all the lights are working including brake lights and turn signals. When driving to and from where you are taking your revenge, stay at the speed limit, have your seatbelt on, make a complete stop at stop signs, etc. Break no traffic laws at all.
Absolutely leave nothing behind that would have your DNA on it. If you smoke, don’t smoke during your revenge. Take nothing to drink with you so you can’t mistakenly leave a can or bottle behind. Don’t take any type of snack with you.
Clean your car out so it is spotless and there isn’t as much as a toothpick on the floor of your car so that when you get in or out of your car, you don’t accidentally kick something out of your car that would have your fingerprints or DNA on it.
Are you going to be passing a lot of security cameras on your way to where you are about to take your revenge? Does the corner gas station have a camera aiming out at the street? How many security cameras will you be in view of as you go down the next street? You might want to avoid as many of those cameras as you possibly can.
The problem is that my list is obsolete. Not wrong. Just obsolete.
The world got better at catching people. Or maybe people just got worse at getting away with things.
So I pivoted, so to speak.
"So what do you do now?" she asks, rubbing the bridge of her nose.
I smile. The kind of smile that would probably concern most mental health professionals.
"I conduct background investigations."
She blinks.
"And that's something that appeals to you?"
(She’s actually interested; she’s leaning forward in her chair. Surprising.)
"Sure, absolutely."
Turns out there are companies willing to pay good money to know who they're hiring, who they're dating, who they're about to sue, or who is about to sue them. Most people leave a trail. Most people don't even know they're leaving one.
I find the trails. Turns out, the deviant in me is a great trait to have, in this line of work.
The funny thing is that revenge used to take months. Now somebody pays me to discover the worst thing a person has ever done. It’s amazing how quickly you can find the dirt. Jesus, people are getting to be really freakishly weird.
So, the dirt, the trails (slimy!) lead to consequences. Sometimes the person doesn’t get the job. Sometimes people lose the promotion. Sometimes they lose a lot more than that. Divorce. Bankruptcy.
My therapist stares at me for a long moment.
"Do you enjoy it?"
I think about that. Then I nod.
"Turns out I never truly liked revenge."
"Then what did you like?"
"The consequences."
Comments